I scarcely remember the first time I ever blogged. I think it was 2006 or something… I was still in school… and I think it was blogspot that had got me started. Hell, I don’t even remember what it was called! All I remember is that I didn’t get a hang of blogging at that time, and that I’d deleted it soon after.
So that was my first foray into airing my thoughts to the online world. I hadn’t realized it then, but this event had changed my life forever. In the coming years, I would make and break a number of blogs… each slightly better than the previous, each contributing to a host of bittersweet memories. Blogging came to define me. I learned to write, learned to express myself through the written word – all due to the various blogs that I maintained, and the endless posts that I wrote. I wrote about movies, I wrote about friends. I wrote about love, I wrote about hate. I mocked people I didn’t like, I praised the ones I did. I met new people through my blogs, and I reconnected with old friends too. At the peak of my blogging obsession, I was maintaining three blogs at once, and writing two posts a day.
Until last year, when I deleted it all and made a fresh start.
I had felt a need to reboot myself at that time… leave the past behind and take on life with a fresh pair of eyes, and steaming hot perspective! I was writing sad little posts on my sad little blog about my sad little life, and I wanted to escape the moroseness that had settled in. So I made a clean break of it all… deleted all 200+ posts that were languishing over there… making me too stuck up with a life lived previously… and made a fresh start. It was necessary at that time. I had to stop looking back. I had to forget… the sad times and the happy times. I was ready to embark upon life’s journey anew.
It was November 21, 2012. Exactly one year has passed since then. (As they say in internet-speak, today is new Rajat’s Diary‘s first blogiversary!). Needless to say a lot has happened since then. My blog and I have still remained Siamese twins, yet due to the large number of experiences that I have encountered this past year, I have been guilty of neglecting it in favour of other things.
I started my first job in 2013, and life has completely changed since then. The days of lazily lounging around and talking nonsense are long over. Now I got work to do… and problems to solve! Office has become the centerpiece of my each weekday. It is tiring, sure. But good kind of tiring. The feeling-high-after-a-really-productive-day kind of tiring. And the really best part is the unprecedented respect I get from my colleagues on a regular basis. It really makes my life worth living! Sure, there are times when something goes wrong, or I make a mistake. After all, being part of the software industry is no mean task in itself. But what’s life without a little spice, eh?
The long commute to-and-from office (I live ~45 km away) has also made me fuel my obsession with the best things in the world – books! While sitting in the cab, I transport myself into a different world altogether – the one woven by the author in his story. One day, I’m touring the Westeros through the eyes of Tyrion Lannister and his lackeys. On the other, I’m trying to come to terms with the identity crisis of Lisbeth Salander. The world is full of good fiction, and I just found the perfect time to read it all!
Blogging is ambling along… but not at a pace that I would like. This is only my 27th post since the same day last year. I used to average several times that number in a year previously! Yet, I’ve been doing some experiments with what I write, so that even writing less is as much intellectually satisfying as writing so much more. Quality over quantity!
So once I wrote the story of a frog, from a frog’s perspective. I tried my hand at unformed thoughts, at romance, at music, at forgiveness, at books… Really, even if my posts are not more in number, they have certainly made up for it with the varied subjects of them. [insert shameless self-applause here]
This past year I have grown a lot. Yet at the same time, my attitude towards certain things has remained the same – old and pitiful. Not that I haven’t been trying to put an end to it. But no matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to be able to do it. It’s like a small piece of me is stuck in the past… feeding on nostalgia and getting stronger day by day… and pulling the rest of me towards it… slowly… slowly… steadily… silently. What I would really like to do is to make the rest of me stronger, so that the nostalgic-me fails in its endeavor. And dies, eventually. God will I rest easy then!
Some things are never going to change though. They are not good to have, yet they are so pesky and clingy that I have lost all hope of making them right. I have this insane talent of pushing people away. While I don’t suffer from anthropophobia… I like people and I do have a handful of great friends… but that’s just it – a handful. I use my ability to push away assholes… but many a times I end up pushing away those I actually like. Sometimes I do something I shouldn’t, sometimes I say something I shouldn’t. But the result is always the same. People move away. And I feel left out. The worst thing is that this is never going to change. Sigh.
Someone once told me, that I don’t like to be imperfect in the eyes of others. Even something as innocent as liking someone seems absurd to me. If she knows and I can’t be with her, that’s a code glitch. I can’t let that happen. I’m a detail oriented guy. I see the world with my intense, pattern-matching and highly observant eyes. Moreover, my mind says that the world sees me in the same magnifying glass-ish way. I get close and then I take to myself. As if meeting new people was just the start of a journey I wanted to eventually undertake on my own. I define people as milestones and I sort of move past them. This is my way of telling myself that this era is now done. I think about them as landmarks – relevant to a time that isn’t so relevant anymore.
Is there an end to all this? Is there a relief? There isn’t. Because I’m wired that way. I can sniff out the obnoxious, feel the imperfection, see the injustice, hear the warning bells, and taste the poison. I set my standards about people too damn high, and not a single mere mortal is able to live up to them.
So that’s that. One year of life experience has taught me so much, that I’ll be reaping its fruits for many many years to come. I’ve gained a lot of confidence, I’ve met a lot of good people, I’ve seen great new fantastic worlds, I’ve gained a lot of useful insights about me as a person, I’ve grown slightly fatter, and I’ve lived through so many moments of pure ecstasy! If I have to sum up the last 365 days in a series of special moments, these will certainly make it to the top ten –
- The rather unusual birthday
- My first salary
- Creative Writing
- Discovering Haruki Murakami
- 65 UPPER. 97 lower. (Understand if you are geek enough!)
- Pseudo-swimming in Ganga
- Workplace stress
- My first client demo!
- And dozens of other micro-experiences
It’s been a roller coaster ride – these last 365 days. A completely new me has emerged out of it. Me who is slightly more mature, slightly braver, and slightly more responsible. Wherever I might end up in life, I seem to be going in the right direction at least.
Phew! I never thought that I would write so much in one go. This is perhaps the longest blog post ever on Rajat’s Diary. But I’m still left with one thing to say. One announcement to make actually.
From this day on, Rajat’s Diary will be known as Rajat’s Diary 2.0.
I should have done this last year itself, but better late than never, no?
See you next time!