Rajat's Diary

Faq: This is supposed to be directed to a single person, who’ll know it when she’ll read it.

Hello there!

I feel like an ass, talking to you like this – that too, on a public forum. I don’t know why I couldn’t talk to you before (was I scared? I guess so). There was a reason why I paused blogging – I wanted to think about you… Get a perspective. I wanted to end it amicably… However, considering my behavior towards you for all these months, it isn’t possible now.

I shouldn’t have started it in the first place. Yeah, that’s what I’ve been thinking of late. Na rehta baans, na bajti baansuri. I don’t know what kind of thoughts I had on my mind when I decided to write you that letter in the summer of ’08. I think ‘rebellion’ was to be the crux of it. The challenge of doing something out of the ordinary also played a big part. The aspirations of happily-ever-after kind of an ending motivated me even further.

Looking back, I think that was the biggest mistake ever committed by me. Those pieces of paper changed both of our lives, for ever. For you, it was fear at first, perspective and epiphany later. For me, it was doubtful hope at first, exclamation and giddiness later. So much transpired, so much happened. Both of us had our own confidants, our own issues – yet we were linked as if by an invisible cord. Why? How? The answers still elude me.

Oh yes, we’ve spent some beautiful moments together. Times when everything seemed right, the future looked bright, and nothing seemed impossible. Its a pity that time has moved on.

As for the end of it, I apologize to you for doing it so haphazardly. It was supposed to be a clean break – tough to endure, but easier to heal. I guess things didn’t happen the way they were supposed to. I apologize to you for making you feel the way I did. I apologize to you for the pain I must have caused you… My silence, my refusal to talk, my complete indifference. I apologize for everything.

We had accepted the inevitable long ago. We’d known, that someday or the another, such things will come to pass. However, at that time, such circumstances seemed to exist in another universe altogether. We never prepared for it I guess. Perhaps that is why, I did what I did, and you were hurt the way you were.

I know, that no amount of even the most sincere apologies can make up for the behavior I’ve meted out to you. However, if you deem fit, please forgive me.

Although I hate to say this, but due to some reasons, I’m going to pause blogging here for some time. Some time means anything between two weeks to a month. However, I assure you that I won’t be gone for longer than thirty-one days. I have much to attend to during this time. Plus, I want to stop and get a new perspective on my life.

I shall be starting a new chapter in the history of me pretty soon. This means, that I’ll have a lot more topics to write about, and a lot more things to crib about. I might even move on with things that I’ve been stuck with these days. I might even let go of things that have been nagging me (or have nagged me in the past). I might even try to be a changed man, once again!

I feel a strange emptiness nowadays (probably due to just sitting at home for months!) and I want to get over it. To do that, I need a break from everything. Yes, even blogging. It isn’t soothing any more.

Today is 5th of August, and the time starts now! If all goes well, I shall be back before the Teacher’s Day. :)

Just like the title suggests, I’ll be quick. The development of the new template of this site is coming on nicely. I have a basic layout ready and it looks like the one in the image I had shared with you earlier. Currently I’m sorting out the smaller things – the comments template, a uniform color scheme, designing the footer and other smaller knick knacks. Now that the ball has started rolling, it will hit the cyberspace pretty soon. :)

On the other hand, the great IPU has released a detailed schedule for the counselling for its MCA programme. I’ve been called on 6th of June at 1:00 PM at Kashmere Gate campus. So finally, the ball has started rolling here too. :)

I know, I know.. I was supposed to start a series on “How not to be an ass and start doing whatever you want to do”. I know that. I’m working on it. Its Talking Talking stuff, and not a Diary one… So once that restarts, you’ll see the post(s) over there. Be patient!

To top it all, India’s Got Talent Season 2 starts in a few minutes..! I’m off towards the idiot box! See ya later…

PS: I was thinking of restarting my twitter habit. But more on this in another post.

So finally it has happened… IPU has released a notice regarding the counselling for MCA! It says that a detailed schedule will be uploaded on 30th of June on their website, and that the counselling process will start on 5th of August.

Knowing their previous endeavors (read: B.Tech counselling), I know that it isn’t going to start off on the 5th… But still, at least they have broken the silence!

My last post here, yearning… was well received. With the apparent success of it, I’m motivated to write more on the topic. My friend Ashish, who commented on the post, asked for a solution for the problem. I don’t (yet) possess one. However, during the series of short posts that I’m planning to write, I will try and give out the reasons behind such happenings. Why is that a person full of ideas eventually fails? Hopefully, during these endeavors, I might come across a solution. Isn’t it? Lets hope so. Keep watching this space.

Nobody is perfect… Nothing can be perfect… And life is certainly not perfect… Then why am I craving for perfection? Why can’t I control my yearning to excel in every possible field? And why can’t I stow away the disappointment I feel when I can’t?

Who am I? Well, I’m a perfect combination of sky high aspirations and drop dead laziness. I hate hypocrites but I’m one myself (isn’t that hypocrisy itself?). I want to do this and I want to do that, but then I end up doing neither, because I can’t find perfect ways to either do this or do that. And I don’t even know if any of this makes sense or not! Most often than not, I’m a scoundrel who does things he doesn’t want to do because he can’t help himself in any possible way – only because he doesn’t have the perfect means.

(First time here? Don’t worry… I talk nonsense when I’m upset.)

I’ve heard someone say, “Nobody dies a virgin, because life fucks everyone.” So very true! So fuckingly insanely maddeningly true! Because here I am, getting fucked!

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Ha… That’s off my chest now! This was my knee jerk reaction to whatever that has been happening to me these days. YouTube has failed to excite me further, Facebook is full of old shit and there’s nothing new, I can’t get myself to work on the new theme for this blog, IPU sucks big time due to its lack of punctuality, 3 Idiots is repetitive after six views, Terminator 1 and 2 were good but the third was an absolute crap, India’s Got Talent Season 2 doesn’t start till 30th of July and thats fucking four days away, I haven’t gone out for a movie for almost half a year, my keyboard is getting erratic and that is giving me pain in the ass, I had to give away lots of books away in the last few days because there’s no place in my house to keep them, my scientific calculator broke down two days ago and I found out that it wasn’t an original after all, bollywood doesn’t come out with music of my taste these days, the wires that connect the various parts of my PC are in an absolute mess – all tangled up and full of mess…

So you see, I’m full of “problems” – in the most sarcastic sense of the word! The small nitty grities of life, when they fail to function properly, are bound to flare up anybody – I’m merely a mortal!

However, the knee jerk reaction that I posted above was just that – a knee jerk reaction, and nothing more or less. Rest assured, I’m all right! :P

The phrase “Steal my thunder” was first uttered by John Dennis in 1709. He was an English critic and playwright back in his days, and had invented and used a novel method of stimulating the sound of thunder in one of his plays Appius and Virginia. John made thunder by using troughs of wood with stops in them, rather than the bowls of mustard usually employed. Though the thunder was a great success, unfortunately the play was not. The manager at Drury Lane, where the play was being performed, cancelled its run only after a few performances.

When John Dennis returned at Drury Lane to watch Shakespeare’s Macbeth, he was horrified to see that his method of producing thunder was being used. Jumping to his feet, Dennis screamed at the audience, “That’s my thunder, by God! Those villains will not play my play but they steal my thunder!”

Q. Can I say that I’m finally a Graduate?

A. Err.. Yeah! Because I got my result yesterday, and I passed with a total aggregate of 63%. !!

Many would argue, that it isn’t a very good percentage to get. I kinda agree with them. However, given the circumstances that I had to undergo, getting a total of 63% is very healthy to begin with! Keeping in mind the blunders that I had committed in my second year of B.Sc, getting a 63% means that I have finally redeemed myself.

I know a lot of people offline. And I had confided in some of those (and a few others, who got to know that anyway), that I had flunked two papers in the second year. For somebody like me, who boasts of being intelligent, this was a big blow – a hard kick in the ass, as some of you might say. And to make matters worse, I had received just the marks needed to pass in two other papers. One more mistake, and I would have flunked them too!

This year however, I’m pleased to announce, that I’ve cleared the papers that I’d flunked, and have scored about 70% in the third year. These two drivers have pushed forward my aggregate percentage to a great deal.

Okay, no more bakwaas. I must get back to work. I have a promise to keep (that of redesigning this space, remember?). See you guys later.

So it is official. Change is coming to Rajat’s Diary! The image above presents the future look of this space. As you can see, the design phase of the project is complete. The coding phase is currently underway, ans should be over in about 5 days. It will be followed by a testing phase wherein you will be asked to test the template and report any bugs to me. Once that is over… Well, you kinda know what will happen, isn’t it?

You can click on the image above to view a full size version of the template, which will fill the screen if your monitor runs on a resolution of 1024×768. There is a typo in the post-text, which has got copied and pasted multiple times. Please don’t mind that. I noticed it after I’d finalized the image. :P

As far as the inspiration behind the design goes, I’ve tried to give it a minimalist look with a dash of color here and there. There is plenty of white space, no sidebar (and hence, no distractions while reading!), and only two fonts.

Also, this template will mark the change in the name of Rajat’s Diary to My Diary, will differentiate between different types of posts (text, video, image etc), and will surely feature some cool jQuery effects!

Rest assured, watch this space keenly over the next few days, lest you miss out on the opening ceremony. :P

Sometimes, even the most innocuous of things can give you some of the brightest inspirations. Like the one that happened just now.

As you might have noticed (or not), I’m very interested in Photoshop. I make all my web designs in it before coding them out in HTML and CSS. One of such endeavors required the use of the perspective tool to create an illusion of depth. While playing around with it and trying out various permutations of settings, I created a rather interesting looking image (that you see above). In effect, the perspective tool allowed me to view a single object from nine different perspectives (=3², instead of the usual four =2²).

It was then that the thought occurred to me. Life is a similar world, isn’t it? If in a 3-dimensional physical world, we can look at a thing in 3-squared perspectives, then going by a similar logic, in an infinite-dimensional living world, we can look at a thing in infinity-squared perspectives! Although we cannot estimate how much (infinity)² is, but we can at least tell that it is a very big number. So much so, that it doesn’t even fit in the real number space!

What do we learn from this? We learn that there are infinite ways of looking at something that happens to you.  Even a one-bit binary number can represent two states. However, most of us narrow minded beings look at things from a single perspective! We don’t live in a one dimensional world my friend. The ecosystem of human mind is so complex that we can never even dream of understanding it. The least we can do is to explore it, with all our might – lest we find some hidden treasures there!

What I’m trying to say here, is that if you open up your mind and find different ways of looking at a situation that is befuddling you, you can find out the reason why that happened, and find out what good would it do to you. The key to life is embracing the good, isn’t it? Its about having a positive attitude, no matter what.

So sit back, relax, and think. Comments are welcome.

Today I’m going to tell you the story behind this diary. Its not very dramatic, and pretty much mundane – but I feel that it might interest you. So here goes…

When I’d started this blog, it wasn’t called Rajat’s Diary – it was called The Daily Tumble. And at that point of time, it wasn’t a blog either – it was a tumblog. Tumblogs differ from real blogs in a way that their postings are not very long, and that they have different kinds of content other than just text – like pictures, videos, quotes, links and the likes.

The reason why it was called the daily tumble was that I was supposed to put in something over there, everyday. I may not write a full post, but I could just post a picture that excited me, a video that I liked, a quote that inspired me, or anything like that. The main thing was that it had to be done daily.

I followed the practice religiously at first, so much so that sometimes I even posted several times a day! However, as the pressures of studies started to catch up, I had to stop.

It was during those study-intensive days that the transition happened. From the daily tumble, it became Rajat’s Diary. Instead of posting pictures and videos and quotes and conversations that no one cared about, I started to post insights – about what I think, what I feel, what I do… In effect, I got another voice.

My studying pressures had also led me to abandon Talking Talking – a blog that I’ve been passionate about for years. I wanted to blog, but I couldn’t help myself because there was no time! But now I had another place to rant about everything. Perhaps that was the time when the transition was complete.

I won’t go back to my tumbling days ever again. Keeping a diary is much more interesting, and more satisfying. :-)

Its one of those days, when I have to, just have to write something… But I never come up with anything. And what’s more, I can’t focus on anything else before I’ve written something! Today I tried watching Shaan, Bride Wars, and Bandini but no avail. I just sat there in front of the monitor, listlessly, trying to figure out what was happening in those films. I couldn’t endure Shaan, but I did finish watching the other two.

I tried to learn some more JavaScript. I tried to work on my designs. I tried to frame an assignment for my student. I tried to walk in the rains… But you see, no avail!

So here I am in front of you – with nothing to offer. I know that most of you long to read something by me. But today I fell short. Sorry!

Now what am I doing? I’m downloading firefox 4 beta. Why? Because it might as well give me some satisfaction about the day.

And you know what? Part of the reason behind the state I am in right now can be attributed to various universities located around Delhi. IPU, JNU, and DU to be specific. And the reason? Because they are being so irresponsible and so late!!! Look at this – if all had gone as per the plan, I would have been a registered student in IPU by now. But no… Not yet! Because they haven’t released the schedule for counseling as yet!

Okay… DU and JNU have no fault. DU’s results come out in August, and JNU’s come not before the fourteenth of July. I’m just being over restless. My bad!

Now come to think of it, there’s another reason behind my anger! WordPress 3.0!!

Well, it so happens that WordPress (the software that powers this blog) released its latest version about two weeks ago, with Massive Improvements. In layman’s language, it means that blogging is going to be more flexible from now on, and that the people who develop themes for WordPress (like me) are going to have more freedom and less frequent headaches. The problem is that I’m not been able to learn about those new features as yet!

In fact, this is only a part of the problem. The main thing is that whenever it comes to technology, I want to know-it-all. And with the little bit of life experience that I have been able to gather in these twenty years of my existence, I know that it isn’t possible every time. I want to learn JavaScript, I want to learn Ruby on Rails, I want to learn AJAX, I want to learn PHP, I want to learn JQuery, I want to learn shell scripting, I want to learn HTML 5, I want to learn CSS 3, I want to learn WordPress, I want to learn… Do you get the picture? That’s the main problem!

I’ll have to let go and slow down at some point of my life, and that point better be soon!

Please forgive me for the pun in the headline… I wanted to do it the American way, you see!

Anyway, first of all, let me give you a(nother) good news – I have been selected in Jamia Millia Islamia’s MCA Programme! The interview went good apparently! :)

On another note, two days ago I completed the first draft of the website I was developing. I have sent it to the IT team at the ashram, and they are now conducting tests for their requirements. I hope that it satisfies them!

These days, in my free time, I’ve been learning the intricacies of the Blueprint CSS Framework, because I will be using it extensively during the redesign of this website. It really saves a developer’s time!

As far as this website goes, I’m planning a lot. I will launch the new look rajatarora.info this month, if all goes well. It will feature a redesigned homepage, and new templates for Rajat’s Diary and Talking Talking. It will also boast of a content reshuffle of Talking Talking (which is nowadays languishing with a no posts error.) It will sport a different kind of content, details of which I haven’t worked out as yet. One thing is for certain, that it will not have any more posts in the Personal category. I may also start a tech section in it, featuring in-depth articles about web development, programming languages and related resources.

Facebook will also play a greater role in the newer rajatarora.info, because it will be used for user authentication. It will not be required, but it will certainly have some added benefits.

Stay tuned, for change is coming!

There are happy times, and there are gloomy times. There are peaceful times, and there are hectic times. There are harsh times, and there are soft times.

These days, I’ve been through all these times, one by one. Seriously!

Last Friday, I went to Aaloo House. (Well, that’s what my two-year-old nephew Aarav calls his home!) I reached there and there he was… Ever so shy! In fact so shy that he literally dug his face into his hands when he saw me. Super cute! :)

When I used to visit him earlier, the experience used to the therapeutic. All my trials and tribulations used to wash away the moment I used to see him.

And now that he has grown up, the experience has become utterly tiring! :P  Because Aarav wants to color, dance, play, eat, drink, sing, bathe, jump and frolic – all at once!! He’s such an active baby that I can’t tell you. Keeps running away all the time, because he likes being chased (and especially by his uncle, yours truly!). He’s small enough that he can’t pronounce my name properly, and calls me Jajjat Chacha :D. According to his mum, I’m his favorite!

So on Friday, we spent time playing with his giant set of building blocks. We made a house, a chair, and even the Eiffel Tower! We also played with color pencils, and I was made to sharpen all 150 of them! We even played with clay, and with his toy motorbike, which he managed to break apart. :P In short, we had lots and lots and lots of FUN!!

In fact, its good that I have Aarav. He makes me forget everything and when I’m with him, I become a child all over again. Innocence always scores over contriving.

While still at his place, I got another good news. It so happened that the result of Jamia Millia Islamia’s MCA entrance test had been declared, and I was among the shortlisted candidates for the interview! Double Treat for me!!

I came back from his place visibly relaxed. However, Aarav didn’t share my sentiment, for he was utterly upset when it was time for me to leave. Poor thing!

(There’s more. Move to Page#2 by clicking on ’2′ below.)

Surprised with this new look diary, huh? I don’t blame you… Even I was surprised at first!

Anyway… It so happened that when I updated my wordpress installation to its latest version a few days ago, I was intrigued by the new default theme that cam with it – Twenty10. And believe me, ten minutes into the test run and I was is love! So much so, that I have decided that I will hack into it in order to develop wordpress templates from now on.

You know what? It is written using HTML5! Yay!! :)

Technically, I am having holidays. My exams are over (finally!), the results are satisfactory (thankfully!), and there is nothing that I have to do in that regard (phew!). Hence, I qualify as a free bird. I have all the time in the world, and so many pursuits to consider. I want to give a fresh lease of life to this website. I want to restart my piano practice. I want to take up a student to teach. I want to watch movies that have stacked up as DVDs in my study. I want to read a lot of books. Yes, there’s so much to do!

I’ve started much of this work. The web design project is half done. For the other half, I have to read up some manuals, which I haven’t been able to bring myself to. I touched my piano again after a gap of nearly half a year – three days ago. My fingers are dusty as yet, but a guy named Lypur is helping me a lot.

I have taken up a student, who is in class 8, and am teaching her Mathematics. She’s improving upon her skills in a satisfactory way, and has started thinking in Maths. I can usually find time to watch a movie everyday, and at this rate, I might be able to finish up the towering pile of optical disks before the end of the world (which falls in 2012, if a certain philosophy is to be believed.) I have started reading Anna Karenina, and Emma.

To an outsider, it might seem that things are happening well enough. However, as someone who knows his mind, I should tell you that they are not.

I am doing these things, but with no real passion. I am doing these things, only because I want them done. If you think carefully, you will notice that there is a difference between ‘want them done’ and ‘want to do’.

I am doing these things, just because of the fact that I had decided to do them before. I don’t seem to realize that the situation has changed much since these decisions. I need a drive – an inspiration.

I actually miss studying nowadays. During my examinations, I really wanted to ace them. Now that I’ve been there and done that, life is suddenly hollow! The juice, as they say, is missing. Its dry all over. Though I remain busy for the whole day, it seems that it is just the mechanics of it, with no real beauty.

I can tell you, with concrete proof, that my life is going to turn out fine. But it is not fine that I want. I want extraordinary. Idiosyncratic. Quirky. I’ll get what I want. I usually do. But the suspense is killing me. It gets frustrating when things are not in my control. Usually, its the waiting game but still, I need to know. Thing is that I am very generous at planning, but miserly at implementing.

If only I could find a way to fulfil… Life would have some more juice. But I’m not utterly disappointed. After all, life is a continuous learning process!

in.com is fabulous; in.com is massive; in.com is great. But I’ve abandoned in.com, in favour of MusicIndiaOnline – because the audio quality of the latter is definitely better. (And it doesn’t hurt to say that it is better designed too!)

For those angrezi songs, there’s always grooveshark. That site has got the massive-est collection and the awesome-est interface. And it is legal. Definitely worth a try.

Yesterday, I saw High School Muscial and fell in love with the songs, instantly! Especially this one, this one, and this one. Listen away! You’re in for a treat!

P.S: If you feel that my diary entries have become drier and drier, don’t worry! The juice will flow soon. :)

This just in… I have been selected in Jamia Hamdard University’s MCA Programme!! Though I don’t actually plan to take admission over there, but still… Getting selected gives you a unique high!!

If you visit sanmacs.com, you are sure to find me there… On the front page! I figure in the toppers list. :P

I hate piracy, I really do! Its just that going original costs a lot of money, so most of the poor souls like me have no other choice…

However, I have been constantly taking steps to tone down the amount of piracy I indulge in. I have moved to open source wherever possible, (I wrote a post about it) and have made a pledge that I will start buying all the stuff that I have obtained by illegal means – as soon as I start earning. However, that is going to take time.

Today, I took another step towards my goal. I became a member of in.com and from now on, I will use that site for listening to all the music I want – legally. After all, I have a speedy internet connection which will not mind streaming music at all!

I suggest you to do the same, if you want to be a better person.

Started learning PHP today… Its like any other programming language, and my experience with basic JSP is helping a lot.

I saw X-Men Origins today, for the third time! I love the action in it, especially the blowing up of the nuclear reactor!

I made no progress on the design front today, but the day isn’t over yet.

I fine-tuned my Fedora installation today – installed new software, codecs and plugins for the most part.

I’m reading Anna Karenina these days.

God knows, I might turn into a teacher once again this summer! CPP, anyone?