I don’t want to write rubbish, but looks like I’m going to anyway. This isn’t right – these mood swings, these unexplained bouts of laziness, these unexpected urges to read Harry Potter, this sheer inability to concentrate on any other book for more than six seconds – looks like I’m going to do it all over again; to repeat the history after all. It seems that I’ve lost my goal, and that too when more than my life’s worth is hanging by tenterhooks – ready to plunge into darkness beneath the moment I let slip.

Computer Science is my best subject, isn’t it? It is my dream to build an operating system myself, isn’t it? Yet when I try and read about them, I lose focus! Looks like I’ve set my standards too high. Perhaps it is because I want to do it all alone – much like Lord Voldemort. But he went bad, isn’t it?

I’m harboring hopes of being an academic ala Robert Langdon, only to shatter them by my sheer inability to study. People tell me that I’ve chosen a wrong career path. If I was genuinely lousy in everything I did, I’d have listened to them, but its all in my head! I know that I can work wonders with a pen and a paper – whether by writing poetry or by determining whether the given series converges or not during a Real Analysis exam. I know I can do it, I just don’t! Incredible, is it?

Am I so bad a person that bad things ought to happen to me? Is this inability to do what I ought to do driving me nuts? Is it God’s own way of revenge? He is supposed to be Almighty, Omnipotent and Ever Forgiving, isn’t it? Then why is He doing it to me? Or is it not He but just “me” who is the culprit?
I don’t know. I don’t know at all!

Its all in my head. I wonder how to spit it out! I wonder how to make things happen my way? I wonder…

What is that I’m best at? Well lets see – Computer Science is my life and soul. English is what I’m passionate about. Physics is what I understand the best. Electronics is what I have a fetish about. But when it comes to Maths, everything comes crashing down.

Look at the irony of it – it is Maths which is going to be instrumental in getting me a college degree, and Maths which is going to matter in getting me a seat in one of those MCA colleges. Its always me, who works the hardest and still manages to be the last in class.

Why can’t I be a normal, average person? Why do I always have to be exceptionally gifted at things that matter, and a complete nutter at things that don’t? Am I not entitled to a moment of triumph? A feeling of accomplishment, of ecstasy? Am I a criminal or something?

Believe me, this is just a tip of the iceberg.